This is me today. I love the Holidays and decorating for them and making a big deal out of them. But this one not so much anymore, this was the last holiday that Hubby and I spent together. We had such a good day and even went out to see fireworks which we hadn't done in years. In my mind I somehow made this day the beginning of the end of things. Because the next day shit started and everything went down hill from there. I'm not sure if what happened had anything to do with him taking his life but I know it didn't help. I also know now that what I saw him doing the next 2 weeks was getting ready to take his life. Cleaning up the yard, paying off debts. I also know now that he was mentally battling with himself. But at the same time he was silently saying goodbye to everyone. I know I can't change any of it, you can't go back in time. But this is why I like being alone today, I know I could be with family and friends. but I would rather be by myself and remembering the last good time I had with him. Eight years has made a lot of difference as I can do this now with smiles and not tears or rage.
I hope you have a blessed day, hugs your loved ones
Huggs,
Cleary (Cie)
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