September... Suicide Prevention Month

 

I understand where this is coming from: 

"SEPTEMBER is Suicide Prevention Month. It is okay to not be okay. Check in with family and friends. Ask questions and make mental health part of conversation. Together, we can make a difference."And it does make a difference for some and talking about mental health is awesome. 

But at the same time it puts a big burden on the family of someone who is in the 40% or 50% maybe higher of what is called The Silent Ones. The ones you don't realize are going to kill themselves. The ones that really don't show any signs, The ones that no matter what you do, say or otherwise, end up ending their life. It adds to your grief, it makes you feel guilty for years until you work out that no matter what you couldn't have done a damn thing to change it.

I understand that no one wants this to happen to anyone, and I certainly don't but, there also needs to be more mental health therapists who deal with  the trauma of the survivors ,the family, and the ones that witness it (which is it's own type of trauma and a lot of therapists can't/ don't know how to help for that.)

After my husband killed himself there was 1 therapist in the whole of 2 counties. Just 1. I saw her twice. then my insurance decided that was enough. Thankfully she helped me deal with a couple of things before I couldn't see her anymore. But that is not good enough. 

Because grief counseling kind of helps but you can't tell what is really bothering you or what you saw and still see because they don't understand the horror of it all.  You need a special kind of trauma counselor/therapist That you can tell the gross parts to. Hopefully now that I'm getting settled and getting other things taken care of I can find one here because I still need to see one even after 7 years.

So yes, talk to your family and friends and tell them you love them and your door is always open, but on the off chance you can't help someone it's not your fault. There was nothing you could have done and try not to beat yourself up to hard or to long because of it.

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)

Things not talked about.....

 

I wonder how many people actually feel like this after the death of a loved one or other half? We are taught that grief is you are always supposed to be pining for the person and wanting them back. But what if you feel like that only because you want what you have always known? You don't want change. You weren't ready for change, you were comfortable in what you did each day. I'm not saying you didn't love the person. But change is scary and big change is overwhelming. I loved him but would I want it back now? Honestly No, I wouldn't want all that back. Why because a lot of what was "us" was so wrong that it was scary and F'd up and shouldn't have been. It is hard to admit even to myself. But I'm better off now alone. I'm happier and more peaceful. 

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)

I can be okay alone....

 

This is true when you lose your other half. You go from being two who are one, to being alone. Family and Friends can have your back and help but in the end you have to do it by yourself. You have to want to be strong enough to find yourself as ONE. It takes breaking and lots of trials and errors. It takes baring your soul and digging deep to find out who you are alone. It takes finding out what parts of you- you want to keep and what parts you want to never, ever get back. It takes accepting all of yourself. Forgiving yourself for anything that happened in the past, accepting things you can't control. Putting the pieces back together, then breaking them again, and doing it over and over until you are happy and in peace with being alone. That you know you can make yourself happy. The last 7 years have taught me this. I know now I'm okay alone. I AM ME!

Remember to hug and tell your people you love them.

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)

Goodbye My Love...

The pain comes in waves... sometimes small, sometimes so large I can't breathe even after 7 years. But I'm doing so much better now too. I have forgiven you, accepted that it was your choice and I could not have changed it. I have let go of the feelings the survivor's guilt for it all. I have let go of the anger of you leaving me that way. Of you leaving me with so much to handle even though you tried to take care of everything before hand. I have forgiven you for leaving before we could have what we dreamed of together. I have learned that I can dream of things for myself now and not feel guilty. I have joy and I have peace with most of it, which is the best part.

You were and always will be the love of my life. The other half of my soul. And I will always love you. But I also know now that life doesn't stop with the day you died. I have ME and family and friends so I can go on even though I don't know what the future will hold for me.

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)

 

Almost 7 years ... Trigger post about Suicide and picking up the pieces afterwards...

Since you decided this was your answer, your way of fixing everything. I have gone through so much since that day. None of it I have ever thought I would need to. I have seen emotions in myself that I never thought I would feel. That I should never had to feel. It's called Survivor's guilt... Being the one who is still here. Wondering why? Feeling guilty because I lived that day, not that I realized til this year that was what I was feeling. I have worked so hard to get through the anger and pain of that day. Of being here without you. Of feeling guilty because I couldn't stop you. Feeling guilty about not being by your side trying to help even though they told me not to go near you.

I'm writing about it because it helps me. The past couple of days I've been getting extremely tense, listening for something, then looking at the date and telling myself it is okay it isn't the 18th yet. I still wish I could go back to that morning I would have gotten rid of every gun in the house. I would have searched under the bed and everywhere til I found them all. I would have made more phone calls to get help. I know that is wishful thinking as they told me I couldn't have stopped you. You were one of the silent ones who always do it. That no one can stop.  The worse part was knowing during the 10 days that you lived if you came back you would just try it again. That I would never have my husband again. That with one semi silent sound my world shattered forever. I felt that shot in my being more than heard it. It still haunts me so much.

I've realize that I don't think I will ever totally get over it.  It is a slow bleeding wound in my broken heart that nothing can fill.  I have found joy, happiness and myself again during the last 7 years. I will keep finding more of each. But the broken bleeding heart will always be there in the background. Something I have to learn to deal with ever year over and over again. But I will put the shattered bleeding pieces of my heart back together no matter how many times I have to. I will feel happiness and joy and love as much as i can.

Remember to hugs and tell your family you love them. You never know when life can change in a second.

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)
 

Feeling better about things...

 

I have been in the picture above for the last 3 to 4 years. The first couple of years after Hubby died don't count as I was just numb and going though the motions everyday. It wasn't easy to let it all hurt and bleed. There were days when I honestly didn't think i would make it. But I got to the point that I was letting it heal and it was so worth it. 

 

Letting it all go took a little over a year to get to the point of the above picture. Where I wanted to come back from all the trauma and heartache. Where I wanted to find out who "I am". To find out what makes me Happy in my soul. To find out what is left of me from the ashes of everything my life had become. The descent into grief, loneliness, anger, feeling guilty for being alive. I have slowly let it all go by realizing that I am stronger than it. That I am worth being alive, that I am capable of doing the hard things, even if it doesn't always turn out the way I was expecting. I have been very lucky to have my family and friends by my side as I have struggled though all of this,encouraging me to keep going.

 

But , Now I'm at the stage of the above picture. I am Rising & I am strong enough to live my life the way I want, to make myself happy and to be the me I'm happy with.

Thank you all for all the help, encouragement and support you all give me everyday.

Huggs

Crafting a bunch...

 

Rug done and in place

I can't believe it is already the end of May. I have been busy with family and making things.

I finished the rug, it is really squishy and soft. I put it under my desk and I'm using it everyday to keep my feet warm from the hard floors.

Rug finished.

I also crocheted a couple of hot pads even though they might be big enough to be candle mats.

Black on purple

They are made with cotton yarn and not to hard to make. I can make these in different colors also. Check out my Crafts Delight Designs page for more information

Purple on black

I had leftover yarn so I made some coasters and  a dishcloth to match the potholders. which I can also make in different colors.

Coaster and dishcloth.

I've been working on relearning C2C. basic shapes and color changes. 

color changes

There are a bunch of ends to weave with colors changes and different ways to do it. but I am more comfortable with the cut and tie method. Which I am using on the Sunflower C2C afghan I'm making

Sunflower C2C

This is only a part of a corner so it's going to be a good size afghan when finish. 

This Holiday weekend I'm working on making some red, white and blue, star coasters and ornaments for my yearly tree.

coasters started

yearly tree

oh I've been trying to get my embroidery files from my computer to my machine. But since it is older model I have to use a older USB stick.  The one in the picture is cute but I didn't realize it was to big of storage for my machine to read.

So now I have to get the right one and luckily they have it on Amazon so When I can afford it I will get it.

That's most of everything I have been doing crafty wise in the last month.

Remember to hug your love and tell them you love them.

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)