Almost 7 years ... Trigger post about Suicide and picking up the pieces afterwards...

Since you decided this was your answer, your way of fixing everything. I have gone through so much since that day. None of it I have ever thought I would need to. I have seen emotions in myself that I never thought I would feel. That I should never had to feel. It's called Survivor's guilt... Being the one who is still here. Wondering why? Feeling guilty because I lived that day, not that I realized til this year that was what I was feeling. I have worked so hard to get through the anger and pain of that day. Of being here without you. Of feeling guilty because I couldn't stop you. Feeling guilty about not being by your side trying to help even though they told me not to go near you.

I'm writing about it because it helps me. The past couple of days I've been getting extremely tense, listening for something, then looking at the date and telling myself it is okay it isn't the 18th yet. I still wish I could go back to that morning I would have gotten rid of every gun in the house. I would have searched under the bed and everywhere til I found them all. I would have made more phone calls to get help. I know that is wishful thinking as they told me I couldn't have stopped you. You were one of the silent ones who always do it. That no one can stop.  The worse part was knowing during the 10 days that you lived if you came back you would just try it again. That I would never have my husband again. That with one semi silent sound my world shattered forever. I felt that shot in my being more than heard it. It still haunts me so much.

I've realize that I don't think I will ever totally get over it.  It is a slow bleeding wound in my broken heart that nothing can fill.  I have found joy, happiness and myself again during the last 7 years. I will keep finding more of each. But the broken bleeding heart will always be there in the background. Something I have to learn to deal with ever year over and over again. But I will put the shattered bleeding pieces of my heart back together no matter how many times I have to. I will feel happiness and joy and love as much as i can.

Remember to hugs and tell your family you love them. You never know when life can change in a second.

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)
 

Feeling better about things...

 

I have been in the picture above for the last 3 to 4 years. The first couple of years after Hubby died don't count as I was just numb and going though the motions everyday. It wasn't easy to let it all hurt and bleed. There were days when I honestly didn't think i would make it. But I got to the point that I was letting it heal and it was so worth it. 

 

Letting it all go took a little over a year to get to the point of the above picture. Where I wanted to come back from all the trauma and heartache. Where I wanted to find out who "I am". To find out what makes me Happy in my soul. To find out what is left of me from the ashes of everything my life had become. The descent into grief, loneliness, anger, feeling guilty for being alive. I have slowly let it all go by realizing that I am stronger than it. That I am worth being alive, that I am capable of doing the hard things, even if it doesn't always turn out the way I was expecting. I have been very lucky to have my family and friends by my side as I have struggled though all of this,encouraging me to keep going.

 

But , Now I'm at the stage of the above picture. I am Rising & I am strong enough to live my life the way I want, to make myself happy and to be the me I'm happy with.

Thank you all for all the help, encouragement and support you all give me everyday.

Huggs

Crafting a bunch...

 

Rug done and in place

I can't believe it is already the end of May. I have been busy with family and making things.

I finished the rug, it is really squishy and soft. I put it under my desk and I'm using it everyday to keep my feet warm from the hard floors.

Rug finished.

I also crocheted a couple of hot pads even though they might be big enough to be candle mats.

Black on purple

They are made with cotton yarn and not to hard to make. I can make these in different colors also. Check out my Crafts Delight Designs page for more information

Purple on black

I had leftover yarn so I made some coasters and  a dishcloth to match the potholders. which I can also make in different colors.

Coaster and dishcloth.

I've been working on relearning C2C. basic shapes and color changes. 

color changes

There are a bunch of ends to weave with colors changes and different ways to do it. but I am more comfortable with the cut and tie method. Which I am using on the Sunflower C2C afghan I'm making

Sunflower C2C

This is only a part of a corner so it's going to be a good size afghan when finish. 

This Holiday weekend I'm working on making some red, white and blue, star coasters and ornaments for my yearly tree.

coasters started

yearly tree

oh I've been trying to get my embroidery files from my computer to my machine. But since it is older model I have to use a older USB stick.  The one in the picture is cute but I didn't realize it was to big of storage for my machine to read.

So now I have to get the right one and luckily they have it on Amazon so When I can afford it I will get it.

That's most of everything I have been doing crafty wise in the last month.

Remember to hug your love and tell them you love them.

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)

Been doing my crafts....

 I was making me a rug and ran out of yarn so it is on hold til it gets here. I really like the pattern and it is fun and easy to make. I can't wait to finish it.

gratitude take 2

While I've been waiting I'm working on gratitude afghan again. I'm about 10 rows shy of where of where I was on the first one. I know I'm going to need more yarn to finish it because I'm only a quarter of the way though the whole pattern.

I tested out my embroidery machine and it works well after not being used for 3 years. I think I'm going to frame this little Angel. I really like the way it came out. I just need to get better thread because the cheap ones i have kept breaking. It is true what they say you get what you pay for.

I did buy the good thread for making the Angels so I shouldn't have any problems with them.

I got a goody box of fabric in the mail this week from a friend, who I really appreciate. I really love all the fabric, batting and patterns. So now I need to figure out my mini sewing machine, which is going to be fun 😁 Soon I need to get a cutting board and rotary cutter and iron, that will happen when I can.  I'm going to use it to remake the moonshine quilt. 

I also want to find a good pattern for a Sundress and make a couple for this summer as being back here I know it can get really hot.

That is all the news for now.

Remember to hugs your love ones and tell them you love them

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)

It's not Rebellion... It is my Right

 I don't think it is rebellion. Why do I have to be labeled rebellious to be myself? It is a given right to be who I am and No One has the right to tell me different. As long as I'm not hurting anyone it is no ones business. I'm going to be me no matter what because I'm proud of who I am and everything I have done to get here.  

Make sure you hug your love ones often and tell them you love them.

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)

Ebrace all of yourself....

This is so true of me. I have a very cold side. I have had it since I was a teenager. I know how and why it started. I have learned to live with it and except that it is part of me. I think we should be taught that it's okay to feel like this and it's okay that no one else understands.
Being thoughtless does not mean you are out to hurt anyone, it just means that you don't really understand what they feel and that is okay too. It gives you a place to talk it out so that you can understand each other better.
Also I feel as long as you aren't embracing those parts of you, you will never be whole or happy because you are denying an essential part of yourself. It's okay to be you the good and the not so good. 🖤

Make sure you hug your love ones and tell them you love them.

Huggs,

Cleary K (Cie)

 

Updating my pages and blog

 

Ive been testing out my embroidery machine after 3 years of not using it and getting it back. I'm going to be able to make Angels and other things again soon. I'm in the process of making some things again which is making me really happy.

I'm also going to have some crocheted things and most likely sewing some small things since i got a sewing machine again. 

I will be posting them on this page of my blog and on my FB page. Just click on the picture to get to the blog page or click the link on the side bar under pages.

 

 

I'm also thinking of making me a new logo . I've used this angel for years but I'm thinking of making something that says me and incorporates mt crafts and style.

 I have to give it some more thought on what.

I hope you all will follow along on this new journey with me.

Remember to hug your love ones.

Huggs,

Cleary K (Cie)