I mostly hung out with my friend and a couple of others. But mostly my friend -I'm going to call him Tom but that's not his real name, he was my lifeline to dealing with being so far away from family and everything I knew. We did everything together but our counseling.
I had been there 3 months when I woke up one morning feeling off, like something had changed but I didn't know what it was. I got dressed and headed to the dinning room for breakfast, got breakfast was eating it waiting for Tom to show up but he didn't. When I left the dinning room I headed to his room to see if he was okay and got stopped by a counselor. She told my doctor was here to see me and it was important. That I had to go talk to her. So, I went to the head doctor room (that's what we called the counseling rooms) My doctor had me sit down and asked me if I was alright did I want to talk about it. I was like talk about what? She just looked at me and then said "oh great you don't know yet." I said know what? I know something is wrong I just don't know what I can feel it. So what it is? I watched her take a deep breath and told me to stay calm but Tom my friend tried to kill himself last night and was taken to the regular hospital. I didn't move I felt my whole body shut down. I just asked if he was going to be alright and when he was coming back. She said he would be but he would have to go to a different unit when he came back. So I won't see him again. I told her that wasn't fair. I asked how he was supposed to get better if he didn't have his friends around him. And she told me he would have help I said it wasn't the same and asked her if she was done so I could go to my room now. She asked if I wanted to talk about it I said not right now. She told me that I had to stay on the unit for the next couple of days. I asked why, she said she thought it would be better because she thought I was a flight risk. I was like where would I go? I don't know this state, then I walked out and to my room.
I had a sweat jacket that I always wore when I was upset, I would zip it up with my stuffy inside it and feel better from it. I went to my room and put it on, then went and sat on our favorite couch and just cried. I stopped eating again. I asked to go outside to watch the baseball game and they said no I couldn't yet. I screamed at them that I wasn't going to go anywhere I just need to do normal things. The floor counselor came in my room and asked me if I wanted to talk. I said I felt like I was being punished for something i didn't do just because he was my friend. I told her I felt so angry at them and him and scared. That I just want to hit something. That he was the only friend I had there and no I have no one. Well that's the wrong thing to say. Because they told my doctor and she decided I need to be on suicide watch 24/7 which meant that I would be moved to a lower closed unit, have a counselor with me 24/7. So I was moved by the tunnels again to a different unit and they moved all my stuff later. This lower unit was a lock down one you couldn't see outside and the doors were locked. The only good thing is I had my own room. I was very scared on this unit as it felt unsafe. and it was an all female only unit. There were about 25 girls on it. That first day I was mostly in shock because things had changed so fast and none of it was because of anything I had originally done. It was all done to me because I was friends with Tom.
I'm stopping here I will get into what happened on that unit next time.
tell your family you love them and give them huggs .
Huggs,
Cleary (Cie)
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