Almost 7 years ... Trigger post about Suicide and picking up the pieces afterwards...

Since you decided this was your answer, your way of fixing everything. I have gone through so much since that day. None of it I have ever thought I would need to. I have seen emotions in myself that I never thought I would feel. That I should never had to feel. It's called Survivor's guilt... Being the one who is still here. Wondering why? Feeling guilty because I lived that day, not that I realized til this year that was what I was feeling. I have worked so hard to get through the anger and pain of that day. Of being here without you. Of feeling guilty because I couldn't stop you. Feeling guilty about not being by your side trying to help even though they told me not to go near you.

I'm writing about it because it helps me. The past couple of days I've been getting extremely tense, listening for something, then looking at the date and telling myself it is okay it isn't the 18th yet. I still wish I could go back to that morning I would have gotten rid of every gun in the house. I would have searched under the bed and everywhere til I found them all. I would have made more phone calls to get help. I know that is wishful thinking as they told me I couldn't have stopped you. You were one of the silent ones who always do it. That no one can stop.  The worse part was knowing during the 10 days that you lived if you came back you would just try it again. That I would never have my husband again. That with one semi silent sound my world shattered forever. I felt that shot in my being more than heard it. It still haunts me so much.

I've realize that I don't think I will ever totally get over it.  It is a slow bleeding wound in my broken heart that nothing can fill.  I have found joy, happiness and myself again during the last 7 years. I will keep finding more of each. But the broken bleeding heart will always be there in the background. Something I have to learn to deal with ever year over and over again. But I will put the shattered bleeding pieces of my heart back together no matter how many times I have to. I will feel happiness and joy and love as much as i can.

Remember to hugs and tell your family you love them. You never know when life can change in a second.

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)