Spooky Month...

small pumpkin

 I finished one of 3 pumpkins I'm making in different sizes and colors.

Halloween Tree 2024

I decorated my tee for Halloween and I love the way it turn out.

Halloween leaves and bat

I added Halloween colored leaves to the hanging vase and a clip on bat.

I've been working on the sunflowers and I'm really close to being done

sunflowers

I'm pass this point now. 

It is getting cooler here finally which is nice.

That is all for now. Hug your family and friends and tell them you love them because you never know when it will change. Have a Blessed Month.

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)

Being honset with myself...........

 

I saw this and realized it is so true. I've been kind of getting back into the dating world but slowly. Then I realized that no matter how nice, compatible, or handsome, some man is I get to the point where I'm scared and back away. And this picture is the reason why. My trust in love is broken. I doubt that it is going to last. Something I thought was unquestionable with love, trust and faith in my other half was shattered in one second. I know that I can never live through that again. I barely lived through it this time. I would rather just stay by myself than open myself to the chance that it could happen again. Even though I know it is a small chance. I am very disillusioned with Love. But it is okay I am very happy with myself and all the things I have accomplished to get to here. 🖤💜

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)

It's starting to feel like Autumn...

 

It's getting cooler in the morning and during the day here. I have been getting my room decor for Autumn. I hung the flowers up in the hanging vase

I even made my tree for autumn 

I've been crocheting on the C2C sunflowers and some pumpkins. Hopefully will have them done this month.

I'm going to make a couple more in different sizes and colors.

 

That's about it will update again when i get something finished.

Have a Blessed Week and remember to tell your love one that you love them.

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)

September... Suicide Prevention Month

 

I understand where this is coming from: 

"SEPTEMBER is Suicide Prevention Month. It is okay to not be okay. Check in with family and friends. Ask questions and make mental health part of conversation. Together, we can make a difference."And it does make a difference for some and talking about mental health is awesome. 

But at the same time it puts a big burden on the family of someone who is in the 40% or 50% maybe higher of what is called The Silent Ones. The ones you don't realize are going to kill themselves. The ones that really don't show any signs, The ones that no matter what you do, say or otherwise, end up ending their life. It adds to your grief, it makes you feel guilty for years until you work out that no matter what you couldn't have done a damn thing to change it.

I understand that no one wants this to happen to anyone, and I certainly don't but, there also needs to be more mental health therapists who deal with  the trauma of the survivors ,the family, and the ones that witness it (which is it's own type of trauma and a lot of therapists can't/ don't know how to help for that.)

After my husband killed himself there was 1 therapist in the whole of 2 counties. Just 1. I saw her twice. then my insurance decided that was enough. Thankfully she helped me deal with a couple of things before I couldn't see her anymore. But that is not good enough. 

Because grief counseling kind of helps but you can't tell what is really bothering you or what you saw and still see because they don't understand the horror of it all.  You need a special kind of trauma counselor/therapist That you can tell the gross parts to. Hopefully now that I'm getting settled and getting other things taken care of I can find one here because I still need to see one even after 7 years.

So yes, talk to your family and friends and tell them you love them and your door is always open, but on the off chance you can't help someone it's not your fault. There was nothing you could have done and try not to beat yourself up to hard or to long because of it.

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)

Things not talked about.....

 

I wonder how many people actually feel like this after the death of a loved one or other half? We are taught that grief is you are always supposed to be pining for the person and wanting them back. But what if you feel like that only because you want what you have always known? You don't want change. You weren't ready for change, you were comfortable in what you did each day. I'm not saying you didn't love the person. But change is scary and big change is overwhelming. I loved him but would I want it back now? Honestly No, I wouldn't want all that back. Why because a lot of what was "us" was so wrong that it was scary and F'd up and shouldn't have been. It is hard to admit even to myself. But I'm better off now alone. I'm happier and more peaceful. 

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)

I can be okay alone....

 

This is true when you lose your other half. You go from being two who are one, to being alone. Family and Friends can have your back and help but in the end you have to do it by yourself. You have to want to be strong enough to find yourself as ONE. It takes breaking and lots of trials and errors. It takes baring your soul and digging deep to find out who you are alone. It takes finding out what parts of you- you want to keep and what parts you want to never, ever get back. It takes accepting all of yourself. Forgiving yourself for anything that happened in the past, accepting things you can't control. Putting the pieces back together, then breaking them again, and doing it over and over until you are happy and in peace with being alone. That you know you can make yourself happy. The last 7 years have taught me this. I know now I'm okay alone. I AM ME!

Remember to hug and tell your people you love them.

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)

Goodbye My Love...

The pain comes in waves... sometimes small, sometimes so large I can't breathe even after 7 years. But I'm doing so much better now too. I have forgiven you, accepted that it was your choice and I could not have changed it. I have let go of the feelings the survivor's guilt for it all. I have let go of the anger of you leaving me that way. Of you leaving me with so much to handle even though you tried to take care of everything before hand. I have forgiven you for leaving before we could have what we dreamed of together. I have learned that I can dream of things for myself now and not feel guilty. I have joy and I have peace with most of it, which is the best part.

You were and always will be the love of my life. The other half of my soul. And I will always love you. But I also know now that life doesn't stop with the day you died. I have ME and family and friends so I can go on even though I don't know what the future will hold for me.

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)