Wedding anniversary for 1...

 This is your favorite day- Halloween plus our Wedding Anniversary. I can't believe that I have been celebrating it alone for 8 years now. Everything about me has changed so much that I don't think you would even recognize the person I am now. I am so much stronger and wiser. I'm even happy and content now. It took a lot for me to get here to where I can celebrate this day with sadness but not overwhelming grief. I miss you everyday, but I'm also going on and living my life everyday. No matter what it entails each day. It has not been easy and still isn't. You left things a mess but I got though it all. I can't say that I forgive you totally I had thought I had but I don't think I ever will. Nor do I understand why you did it even though I have an idea of why. I do hope you are in peace now, but sometimes I wonder if it was truly what you wanted. But anyways, today I will cook a special dinner and watch one of our favorite movies. Get pictures of all our beautiful grandchildren in their Halloween costumes. You would be so proud of all of them and our Kids, they are wonderful parents. RIP my Love

Rheumatiod Arthritis sucks & pumpkins

 This article is really good at explaining my life for the last 30+ years. I have had good days and some of the worse days. I've been in remission for years and out of remission like now. My meds were working but I had been on them way to long and starting to effect my eyes. So now I'm on the hunt for new meds that will work and that I'm not allergic to. 

The ones I just got don't work so I had to stop taking them. Now I'm dealing with flares and the flu like symptoms. Luckily I have a high tolerance for pain but some days I just can't deal with feeling like I want to crawl out of my skin or there is broken glass in my whole body. Feeling like your jaw is going to break and not being able to chew from it because it hurts to bad. 

Having this for 30 plus I know all the ways to get relief and they work sometimes and other times they don't. But, I don't give up...I'm stubborn like that. So hopefully the next meds will help, but we will see when I see the doctor next week. But for now I deal with the effects a bit more that most days.

Second pumpkin added

I got the white pumpkin done this weekend and the leaves for the next one.

leaves for large pumpkin

I have to get the yarn for the large one and then will stack it on the bottom of the other 2.

I'm also still working on the sun flowers. Only the decrease rows to go plus weaving the millions of ends.

sunflower c2c

 

I hope you have a Blessed week. Hug and tell your family & friends you love them because you never know when life will change in an instant.

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)
 

Spooky Month...

small pumpkin

 I finished one of 3 pumpkins I'm making in different sizes and colors.

Halloween Tree 2024

I decorated my tee for Halloween and I love the way it turn out.

Halloween leaves and bat

I added Halloween colored leaves to the hanging vase and a clip on bat.

I've been working on the sunflowers and I'm really close to being done

sunflowers

I'm pass this point now. 

It is getting cooler here finally which is nice.

That is all for now. Hug your family and friends and tell them you love them because you never know when it will change. Have a Blessed Month.

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)

Being honset with myself...........

 

I saw this and realized it is so true. I've been kind of getting back into the dating world but slowly. Then I realized that no matter how nice, compatible, or handsome, some man is I get to the point where I'm scared and back away. And this picture is the reason why. My trust in love is broken. I doubt that it is going to last. Something I thought was unquestionable with love, trust and faith in my other half was shattered in one second. I know that I can never live through that again. I barely lived through it this time. I would rather just stay by myself than open myself to the chance that it could happen again. Even though I know it is a small chance. I am very disillusioned with Love. But it is okay I am very happy with myself and all the things I have accomplished to get to here. 🖤💜

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)

It's starting to feel like Autumn...

 

It's getting cooler in the morning and during the day here. I have been getting my room decor for Autumn. I hung the flowers up in the hanging vase

I even made my tree for autumn 

I've been crocheting on the C2C sunflowers and some pumpkins. Hopefully will have them done this month.

I'm going to make a couple more in different sizes and colors.

 

That's about it will update again when i get something finished.

Have a Blessed Week and remember to tell your love one that you love them.

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)

September... Suicide Prevention Month

 

I understand where this is coming from: 

"SEPTEMBER is Suicide Prevention Month. It is okay to not be okay. Check in with family and friends. Ask questions and make mental health part of conversation. Together, we can make a difference."And it does make a difference for some and talking about mental health is awesome. 

But at the same time it puts a big burden on the family of someone who is in the 40% or 50% maybe higher of what is called The Silent Ones. The ones you don't realize are going to kill themselves. The ones that really don't show any signs, The ones that no matter what you do, say or otherwise, end up ending their life. It adds to your grief, it makes you feel guilty for years until you work out that no matter what you couldn't have done a damn thing to change it.

I understand that no one wants this to happen to anyone, and I certainly don't but, there also needs to be more mental health therapists who deal with  the trauma of the survivors ,the family, and the ones that witness it (which is it's own type of trauma and a lot of therapists can't/ don't know how to help for that.)

After my husband killed himself there was 1 therapist in the whole of 2 counties. Just 1. I saw her twice. then my insurance decided that was enough. Thankfully she helped me deal with a couple of things before I couldn't see her anymore. But that is not good enough. 

Because grief counseling kind of helps but you can't tell what is really bothering you or what you saw and still see because they don't understand the horror of it all.  You need a special kind of trauma counselor/therapist That you can tell the gross parts to. Hopefully now that I'm getting settled and getting other things taken care of I can find one here because I still need to see one even after 7 years.

So yes, talk to your family and friends and tell them you love them and your door is always open, but on the off chance you can't help someone it's not your fault. There was nothing you could have done and try not to beat yourself up to hard or to long because of it.

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)

Things not talked about.....

 

I wonder how many people actually feel like this after the death of a loved one or other half? We are taught that grief is you are always supposed to be pining for the person and wanting them back. But what if you feel like that only because you want what you have always known? You don't want change. You weren't ready for change, you were comfortable in what you did each day. I'm not saying you didn't love the person. But change is scary and big change is overwhelming. I loved him but would I want it back now? Honestly No, I wouldn't want all that back. Why because a lot of what was "us" was so wrong that it was scary and F'd up and shouldn't have been. It is hard to admit even to myself. But I'm better off now alone. I'm happier and more peaceful. 

Huggs,

Cleary (Cie)