The truth is 5 years ago was the hardest day of my life. If I would have know when I woke up that morning what was going to happen in front of me, I would have either run away or never woke up TBH, but I think anyone would feel the same way. This day bothers me more than his actual death 10 days later. This is the day my funny, loving, honorable, pain in the ass, friend, lover, soulmate of 30 years shot himself with me in the house.
The saying above is so damn true. I would have never thought I could be brave enough to go through that day. I think the shock of watching it happen, Not to be gross but it is nothing like the movies. It is something I will forever see and don't wish for anyone else to ever see. Not being able to help my husband because he was still holding the gun and they didn't want me to get near him and get hurt. That is the worse part being so close but not being able to help, you can only just watch the suffering. Dealing with 911 trying to get them to hurry since we lived in the middle of no where. Telling them I don't care about doors, locks or gates just get in here and help my husband. Being told not to move til they got my Hubby out of the house and in the ambulance. Then I couldn't do anything but sit on the bed in shock while they made it a crime scene since he was still alive. Following the police officer out of the house and having to watch where I step because it is a crime scene. Going though all the questions and being photographed to clear me forever even though they knew I didn't do anything. Sitting outside in the rain realizing that I have to tell his Mom who is on the way to the house, having to phone my daughter who is high risk pregnant and do it in a way she doesn't go into labor. Having to figure out how to get a hold of my son to let him know. Not knowing what hospital they took him to and finding out they don't know either, it took 3 hours to find out. Having to get permission to go back in the house to get my meds and clothes so I can go to the hospital and then stay with his Mom Making sure our dog is fed and in her crate for the night and trying to reassure her that everything will be alright and I will be back as soon as I can.
All of this is burned into my memory. I'm am working hard to get thought the grief and everything that goes with it. I think I'm doing well with that part. But, I don't know how to get through not remembering this day.
I have called today and the next 9 the "10 days of Hell" in past years, but I'm not doing that this year I'm not letting the next 9 days define me. There is a meme someone sent me a couple of years ago, "that they hope someday someone will hug me tight enough to put the pieces back together" And yes that would be nice to have that kind of love again, but til then I'm going to love myself enough to put my pieces back together.
It kind of helps writing about it and what I wrote is such a small version of it all. So I just take it one breath at a time til tomorrow when I can be me again.
Hug your loved ones tight and tell them you love them.
Huggs,
Cleary (Cie)
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